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Hello Everyone!

As I predicted I have not kept up this blog at all! Life has been both cruel and kind since the last time I opened this website. In my time away I have begun to really find myself. I have learned more about life during these past months than I ever had in my 24 years on this planet. The most important of those lessons being that school is not for me.

That is right, ladies and gentlemen, I dropped out. My past posts about how much I wanted to be a high school English teacher was a mere phase. I have since learned that the teaching life is not for me (will explain in the posts to come) and have come to terms with the fact that I don’t really know where my future lay. And, in all honesty, I am quiet alright with that. I have spent too much time forcing myself to be someone I am not rather than embracing myself for who I am; a young woman who doesn’t know where she is going or where she belongs in this crazy thing we call life.

My goal is to use this site as a platform to express myself creatively and allow myself to explore the ins and outs of life through my writing. From this point forward, my blog will be centered around my writing, creative and personal. I just ask that you all bear with me while I get myself situated and reclaim this blog. I look forward to sharing my craft with you all.

Much Thanks and Many Blessings,

Kaitlyn Dirksen

[P.S. I am always open to sharing ideas with others as well as sharing our stories. If you are interested in creating an online writers circle feel free to e-mail me at kaitlyn.c.dirksen@gmail.com, I am always looking for new writing friends!]

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Writing.

I have always loved to write. When I was a kid I would write short stories, usually consisting of a girl (me) embarking on some adventure with an animal or two. By no means were they good, the grammar was appalling, but my imagination was so vivid and expanding, I would create multiple tales.

 I can still remember how I would clearly envision the sequence of events to the point where it it felt as though I had lived it. I would get so excited just thinking about my story coming to life that I wouldn’t stop until it was finished.

However, my childhood innocence has since disappeared and real life has been experienced.

While my passion for writing has never died, my willingness to do has. For writing brings things to life and there are some things that I would rather leave dead. I am scared to write certain things for the sole reason that once the words have escaped my mind they are no longer safe. Not only from prying eyes but from myself.

I want to be able to write uninhibited; fearless of what my hand will scrawl onto the paper. In short, I want to tell my story but I am not ready to read it.

 

A Drink With an Old Friend

Over this past weekend I met up with an old high school friend of mine for some after-work drinks. Prior to this meeting we hadn’t seen or spoken to each other for about five years, so I was a bit anxious to see how the night would unfold. When I saw her, however, that anxiousness turned into excitement and we went on to have a really great time catching up with each other.

On the way home, I began to feel a little bit guilty that I let all of these years go by without contacting her to at least say hello. I mean, it is not like she didn’t cross my mind from time to time, so why couldn’t I have simply have logged on to Facebook and shoot her a quick, “Hello, how are you” message? I think part of the reason for my failure to stay in touch stems from my anxiety disorder and my fear of making myself vulnerable to rejection, yet, I think the bigger part of the reason just has to do with life itself. It is easy to get caught up in life’s daily struggles and accomplishments, so much so that you begin to only think about the present and the future, never the past.

While it is important to not dwell in the past, it is equally as important to take some time to revisit the past. Looking into the past allows you to make sense of the present. Which is what I believe happened to me when I met up with a friend from my past. I was able to take a step back and understand that sometimes, people lose touch for no reason other than the fact that life took them in different directions. And that is okay, because life also has a funny way of leading those very people right back to you.

I’m Back!

So, I did exactly what I said I would not do when I started this blog, which is go weeks on  end without posting anything. I have been so distracted with school, work and some personal issues that I just kind of forgot about my blog. But I am back and am determined not to neglect my blog any longer! So without further ado, here is a quick recap of what I have been up to this past month.

As you all may know, I am interning at my former high school and have been shadowing Mr. Dasilva, my old middle school teacher and sports coach. I am loving it so far, and have learned a lot already. Each day I am there, I am reminded why I chose the path that I did and am more motivated than ever to finish school.

Even though I am extremely motivated in advancing towards my goal, I sometimes lose that motivation when it comes down actually studying. As much as I love the courses I am taking, the amount of reading and papers I have to do drives me to the brink of insanity. Somehow I have managed to avoid having a complete mental break down when it comes to school, the same cannot be said for other aspects of my life, specifically in the relationship department. However, I am not going to address those issues at this moment. Actually, I most likely will never address them directly because I unfortunately need to be careful about how I discuss it. Don’t worry though, if you keep up with my posts you may be able to figure out what I am trying to say.

All in all, these past couple of weeks have been filled with many headaches and emotional ups and downs. If anything though, it is these ups and downs that have made me realize just how much I need to take some time out of my day to reflect on and appreciate everything that is going on in my life. In the words, of Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it”

A Walk Through the Past

Today I had my field experience orientation at Einstein. It was so weird to walk through the hallways of my old high school. Everything felt so different, yet it felt the same. So many memories came back to me all at once, I could still feel the insecure girl that I used to be somewhere deep inside of me. I saw the bench where I used to sit with my ‘friends’ in 9th grade and the classroom I retreated to when they began to bully me. I passed by the locker me and my 3 friends shared and sat in front of  in 10th grade. I visited my 11th grade English teacher, Ms. Kelly (it took her a second to remember who I was, but when she did she said, “Ah! I remember you, you are a good writer). I don’t really remember anything from 12th grade. I had a half day schedule and as soon as third period was over I was gone.

What I remember the most though, was how much of an influence two of my  English teachers had on me; it is because of them I want to be an English teacher. Now here I am, five years later, walking through these halls again not as a high school student, but as college student.

I have already experienced high school, now it is time for me to observe it. This should be interesting.

 

Einstein's Main Street

Einstein’s Main Street

I am starting to get on my own nerves

I have been “writing a paper” for the past couple of hours, and still I haven’t accomplished anything. It’s not like I am not trying to write this paper, it is just that every time I begin to focus on one aspect of this piece of literature I find another aspect that I could write about. Then when I have finally found what my focus will be, I know what I want to write about but I can’t seem to get the words out. So then I think about it and convince myself that I need to find a new focus point and then the cycle beings all over again. I don’t even realize I am doing it until I glance at the clock and realize that I have wasted an hour or two.

I have all of these great ideas swarming around in my head. But as soon as I put pen to paper they all want to escape at the same time causing my brain to go on overdrive and then just completely crash.

IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!

 

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Going Back to High School

This semester I am completing my second field experience, meaning I will be going into a school and observing a class (teacher and students). I have been waiting to find out what school I have been assigned all week. Today, I finally saw the email I was waiting and when I opened it up I was shocked to find I was assigned to good o’l Albert Einstein High. The four years I spent there I can honestly say were the worst four years of my life. I never though in a million years that I would ever step foot in that god-forsaken place again. But here I am, assigned to go back. Life is funny that way, you finally leave the place were you spent four miserable years of your life only to return there nearly 5 years. I like to think that everything happens for a reason, and maybe the reason for this is to prove to me how far I have come and remind me of why I have embarked on this journey to becoming a high school teacher.