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Hello Everyone!

As I predicted I have not kept up this blog at all! Life has been both cruel and kind since the last time I opened this website. In my time away I have begun to really find myself. I have learned more about life during these past months than I ever had in my 24 years on this planet. The most important of those lessons being that school is not for me.

That is right, ladies and gentlemen, I dropped out. My past posts about how much I wanted to be a high school English teacher was a mere phase. I have since learned that the teaching life is not for me (will explain in the posts to come) and have come to terms with the fact that I don’t really know where my future lay. And, in all honesty, I am quiet alright with that. I have spent too much time forcing myself to be someone I am not rather than embracing myself for who I am; a young woman who doesn’t know where she is going or where she belongs in this crazy thing we call life.

My goal is to use this site as a platform to express myself creatively and allow myself to explore the ins and outs of life through my writing. From this point forward, my blog will be centered around my writing, creative and personal. I just ask that you all bear with me while I get myself situated and reclaim this blog. I look forward to sharing my craft with you all.

Much Thanks and Many Blessings,

Kaitlyn Dirksen

[P.S. I am always open to sharing ideas with others as well as sharing our stories. If you are interested in creating an online writers circle feel free to e-mail me at kaitlyn.c.dirksen@gmail.com, I am always looking for new writing friends!]

August Storms

There is something so serene about August storms.

The way the rain falls creating a rhythmic sound.

The way the lightning sends bursts of light radiating through the darkened sky.

The way the thunder creates a symphony for the dying summer.

Writing.

I have always loved to write. When I was a kid I would write short stories, usually consisting of a girl (me) embarking on some adventure with an animal or two. By no means were they good, the grammar was appalling, but my imagination was so vivid and expanding, I would create multiple tales.

 I can still remember how I would clearly envision the sequence of events to the point where it it felt as though I had lived it. I would get so excited just thinking about my story coming to life that I wouldn’t stop until it was finished.

However, my childhood innocence has since disappeared and real life has been experienced.

While my passion for writing has never died, my willingness to do has. For writing brings things to life and there are some things that I would rather leave dead. I am scared to write certain things for the sole reason that once the words have escaped my mind they are no longer safe. Not only from prying eyes but from myself.

I want to be able to write uninhibited; fearless of what my hand will scrawl onto the paper. In short, I want to tell my story but I am not ready to read it.

 

My Brother, My Hero

When I tell people my younger brother, Eric, has autism, it is not uncommon for them to ask, “Was it hard growing up with a brother with autism?” I tell them, yes, at times it was and still is difficult, but that is not what comes to mind when I think of Eric. He has always been my younger brother first, his autism is just a part of who he is. He is so talented and is the most brilliant person that I know. From him, I have learned so much. He has taught me to find patience during times of stress and joy in times of sadness. So, instead of dwelling on the hardships, I like to celebrate his achievements and the positive impact that he has on not only me and my family, but on everyone who is lucky enough to meet him. He is truly an amazing individual and I am blessed to be able to call him my brother.

Instagram is a Trap.

Instagram is a trap.

Constantly seeing pictures, constantly comparing.

The people who get the most likes win.

If you can make yourself look good enough,

you too could have 100+ likes.

But why does it matter?

Why care what those 100+ people think?

Those 100+ people will be your demise.

Attention Deficit Dis…

This week in my education class we are learning about A.D.H.D. Which is pretty cool because I get to learn more about the disorder that I have been living with (not suffering from) since I was a child. The only problem is it is taking me forever to finish reading the chapter!

Well, I can’t say that every other chapter has been any easier to finish, because they haven’t. It is utterly frustrating. I know that I am perfectly able to finish each chapter in a timely fashion, but I don’t.

I can have all the motivation in the world to sit here and get this chapter read but my mind is all, “The lighting in the room is too dim/bright, the people outside need to shut up, the pictures in the textbook do not match what I am reading, my room is too messy, I should check Facebook, (sings song that has been stuck in head for a week), I need to get my nails done, I can’t believe I said/did that ___ years ago, I’ll just quickly check pinterest and wordpress, etc.”

I don’t even know if this makes sense, but that is okay because it is ridiculously hard to explain what it is like trying to study with A.D.D.

A Drink With an Old Friend

Over this past weekend I met up with an old high school friend of mine for some after-work drinks. Prior to this meeting we hadn’t seen or spoken to each other for about five years, so I was a bit anxious to see how the night would unfold. When I saw her, however, that anxiousness turned into excitement and we went on to have a really great time catching up with each other.

On the way home, I began to feel a little bit guilty that I let all of these years go by without contacting her to at least say hello. I mean, it is not like she didn’t cross my mind from time to time, so why couldn’t I have simply have logged on to Facebook and shoot her a quick, “Hello, how are you” message? I think part of the reason for my failure to stay in touch stems from my anxiety disorder and my fear of making myself vulnerable to rejection, yet, I think the bigger part of the reason just has to do with life itself. It is easy to get caught up in life’s daily struggles and accomplishments, so much so that you begin to only think about the present and the future, never the past.

While it is important to not dwell in the past, it is equally as important to take some time to revisit the past. Looking into the past allows you to make sense of the present. Which is what I believe happened to me when I met up with a friend from my past. I was able to take a step back and understand that sometimes, people lose touch for no reason other than the fact that life took them in different directions. And that is okay, because life also has a funny way of leading those very people right back to you.

Georgie Girl

Last night, there was a knock at my door. When I went to open it I was shocked to find my beloved dog, Georgie. My shock quickly turned to pure joy as she came bounding through the door, greeting me with dozens of those big sloppy kisses that I have missed so much. Overcome with excitement, I fell to the floor and took her into my arms. I held on to her as tightly as could, determined to never let her go again. Eventually, I released my hold on her, taking her furry head in to my hands I looked her in her eyes as she looked back at me. It was as if time had stopped. It was me and her, just as it used to be. I was trying to take it all in when she suddenly stood up and ran away from me toward a light in the distance. Panic took over as I began to chase her yelling at her to come back, but with every step I took, the light become brighter and my sight of her became weaker. I continued to chase her until the light became so powerful that I was forced to look away. And then I woke up.

I cannot believe that it has been almost a year since I have had to say goodbye to my Georgie girl. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I remember carrying her to the car and into the vets office. I remember petting her and telling her how much I loved her. I remember my dad lifting her up onto the cold, metal table. I remember holding her head as the life slowly left her body. It was one of the hardest days of my life.

Georgie was so much more than just my childhood dog, she was my best friend. For fifteen years of my life, she was always right by my side, filling even my darkest days with love and joy. As hard as it is to accept that I will never again be able to hold her, I find peace knowing that I can look forward to seeing her in my dreams. She will forever be my Georgie girl.

Quote of the Day

In Your Memory

Hey guys,

Last week, my boyfriend’s band, In Your Memory, released their first music video, “Layers of Lies (L.O.L)”.

When I first met them, almost two years ago, they were a fairly new, four person band who were still working out their personal differences and trying to break into the local music scene. Since DC does not have a very big “rock” scene, making a name for themselves in the DC/metro area proved to be challenging. Yet, their determination allowed them to overcome any obstacle that was put in their way, and now two years and one person later, they are thriving.

I can honestly say that I have never met such a talented and dedicated group of young men. The music they make comes straight from their hearts and when they perform, they perform with such passion that one can almost feel it in the audience.

As much as these guys get on my last nerve, I couldn’t be more proud of each and every one of them. It has been such an amazing experience to witness their growth not only as a band, but as brothers. This is only the beginning, I can’t wait to see what this journey has in store for you guys!

In Your Memory, “Layers of Lies”